Rachel confronted me with the whole Phil thing today during lunch. She thinks he's using me for booty, essentially, and she's afraid that my emotions are going to get messed up and tangled in this. And...I couldn't hardly defend myself against her. She challenged me to tell her one valuable thing I've learned from him after I said that I like to be with him because I learn things, and I couldn't come up with something she approved of. I told her that I learned about Chaplin, and she cut me off right there. I mean, come on-- I'd never seen the movies, I'd only seen the shorts, and I didn't care much for them. The movies are amazing...I love them. But she thinks that it's all a game, and that he's a hornball, and she's afraid of his temper, and when he gets out of control he can be violent. And admittedly, that's not something I've spent much time thinking about. It crossed my mind a couple of times. But it's so hard for me to believe that it's all because he wants to fuck me stupid. I mean, there are little things that he did and said that make me believe something very contrarian to that. But now I can see how it's all just plain shallowness. All of it. And yet...I can't believe that fully. I really can't. I mean, am I just his plaything? Is he only emailing me and making conversation to make me think that I'm actually his friend? AM I even his friend? Is he mine? It seems like an awful lot of effort. He gave me Baudelaire, and that was the act of a friend. Wasn't it?
How do I explain myself? CAN I explain myself? What the hell am I doing, anyway? He only started to be interested in me after we discussed the bondage thing during Love's Labours Lost, so maybe this all IS a game to him. Maybe I'm just a piece of meat.